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5. Do not: Hang around while they are supposed to be in charge. This is fine for their trial run (an hour, and no more), but after that, if you call for their help, you should plan to leave. At least go to another room and close the door. The children will want to run to you with their problems and complaints, instead of learning to use the nanny/babysitter as a resource. They also might decide not to listen to them altogether.

You should listen to what your children have to say, naturally, and validate their feelings. I.e., I know this is hard to adjust to, and it can make you feel mad/scared/sad etc. But be sure to remind them that when you are away, this person is responsible. A good nanny/babysitter will also try to explain this to them. They may be uncertain of boundaries and tend towards the restrictive as well as add new rules. Ask them to stipulate these rules (I know your parents let you do that, but I don’t feel comfortable with it). All of this is GOOD for your children. They do need to learn to respond to different people differently, and to be flexible socially.

4. Do not: Change your agreement in any way without discussion. No one likes to have their foundations rocked, especially so tenuous a foundation as the control a nanny/babysitter is given over a child. Instead of telling your children to call you when they have a problem- I mean, do you REALLY want to listen to seven different calls to the tune of “she can’t make me clean my room” and “he’s not allowed to tell me not to hit my sister!”- give your babysitter/nanny a rundown of what goes on usually and what went on earlier and is going on now. Make sure to include food favorites, who is in trouble, who is cranky, some rules that have been broken today, and the limits that are being approached. If, for example, Timothy is ten minutes from the end of TV time, you had better tell the nanny/babysitter. They will try to return the favor when you come home. Make sure to tell her the appropriate bribes for good behavior, unless you want your children to become accustomed to receiving something you are not prepared to give.

Another good strategy is to post a list of rules up for everyone to see. Then both you AND your babysitter/nanny can take the children to the chart and say, “It says, right here, NO running in the kitchen. And that is why you are going into time-out.” Make certain that if someone has chores, or some other task to do that you tell the nanny/babysitter IN FRONT OF THE CHILD. That way there can be no mistaking that the task is there, the caregiver knows and the child knows. Again, on your return, the nanny/babysitter will probably give you a list of what happened while you are gone. Remember, if the child has been disciplined once, there is no need to do it again. A simple, “I’m very disappointed in your behavior,” should suffice.

3. DO NOT EVER: (and I mean EVER) downplay your child’s bad behavior. Your children are not angels, and how well do you know it! Yes, there are people who will get along better with your children, and some people who cannot stand them, but excusing your child’s continued disobedience will make their behavior worse and eventually cost you your precious help. There plenty of resources out there to help you, your child, and you babysitter/nanny curb bad behaviors such as hitting, biting, name-calling as well as other general forms of misbehavior. Make your nanny/babysitter a part of the understanding, so your child knows they cannot get away with this behavior around them, either.

Both you and your babysitter/nanny should be using the same method of discipline and have similar responses to these bad behaviors. Be sure to stay on the same page. Try also to include rewards for good behavior. Small cheap toys such as cars, plastic animals, bouncing balls and stickers tend to be just good enough to ensure appropriate enthusiasm. Try not to give too many rewards as they quickly lose their interest. Build up to a reward with a number they can count to. Three is a good number, as well as five and seven for older children. Again, sticker charts are your friends.

2. Do not: Treat your nanny/babysitter as a given. No one is available 24/7. No one can truly be “right there.” And most part-time nanny/babysitters have other responsibilities, including their responsibility to themselves. Even a full-time live-in nanny needs their time off. So, unless it is an emergency, ask yourself if this event is really, REALLY that important, and if you can’t find someone else to take the children. Make sure to have a fall-back nanny/babysitter just in case, even though this will be a life-changing event, your babysitter/nanny tells you “no.” And remember to be polite and not try to “make a deal” after they have said either they do not want to, or flat-out no. Making your babysitter/nanny come in when they do not want to is not healthy for your relationship, or for your children.

Every nanny/babysitter will try to give you a little extra time, but once they have said they cannot commit to something (be it no Mondays, or not after 7pm) you need to believe them. Respect that agreement (this ties into 3), as they respect their commitments to you and your children. The more understand you are of their refusal, the more likely it is in the future they will be swayed to say “yes” to another out-of schedule date. And understand also that emergencies are NOT the same as outside schedule events. Obviously when you need someone to watch your children while you take one to the hospital most babysitter/nannies will try to make it there. But, unfortunately, “I want to go meet my friend who I haven’t seen in forever” is not an emergency, and will likely not sway your exhausted nanny/babysitter into watching your kids for another three hours- even though they are asleep.

1. NEVER TREAT YOUR NANNY/BABBYSITTER AS ANOTHER PARENT. They are not, period.

Yes, they are wonderful with the children. Yes, they have helpful suggestions for how to deal with thumb-sucking, tattling, parties, and so on. Yes, they LOVE your children, little beasts that they be. But a nanny/babysitter can NEVER take on the role of parenting your children for you. Your children know this better sometimes that we do. They behave for and respect the babysitter/nanny more often because they know that they are not a parent, and do not give them the same trust as a parent. It would be a wonderful world if we could just hand around children to whomever when we needed a break, or did not want to make a difficult decision, but that is not this world.

It is perfectly acceptable to recognize that your babysitter/nanny has some better skills in certain areas. It is acceptable to ask for tips, and to ask for help. But the big decisions should be your own, and you should never ask or let the nanny/babysitter make them for you. And also know that once you have let the babysitter/nanny off the hook, you are really on your own.

Hopefully these rules reminded parents and nanny/babysitters alike that our roles are distinct from one another, as well as equally precious. A child’s first role models tend to stick with them their whole life through. To be a part of that slot is truly special, and wonderous. But as with any relationship, there is great responsibility on both sides to keep boundaries firm, communication open, and respect ever present.

A small note: Always, ALWAYS take what your child tells you about a nanny/babysitter seriously. If ANYTHING sounds fishy, bothers you, or bothers your child, speak to your childcare provider immediately. A serious babysitter/nanny will not blow off the situation either. Be prepared to listen to both sides, and attempt to mediate an agreement. You also must reserve the right to terminate their services at any time, for any reason. Keeping that in mind, go out there and ENJOY having a helper!